Beautifully Broken.

Through the sexual abuse trauma as a young 13 year old girl that I endured, I have always described myself as broken. Ever since then, I grew up believing I had no value. That I wasn't worthy of anyone's affection. I grew up believing that I deserved the abuse and the trauma, that I was the one to blame. With the lies, the cunning words, they sowed in me guilt without end. Trauma shaped my life by re-wiring my brain for survival rather than connection. Turning daily existence into a battle between past memories and present reality. I never described my trauma as a bad thing that happened to me, but what happened inside of me as a result of what happened to me.

I asked many therapists: "I survived the trauma. Why can't I seem to survive the aftermath?"

I was constantly drowning and trying to come up for air. The effects of the trauma were stored in my body for years. Until I knew how to address them, words alone were never enough. Trauma had put my body in survival mode. It shut down what's unbearable just to keep you going. The aftermath is different though. It's no longer about getting through that moment. It's about living, with what that moment did to you. The fear that settled into your nervous system. The grief that showed up once the danger ended. And the way your body still reacts like its happening all over again. Survival always got me out. The aftermath asks me to feel what survival couldn't. And at times it feels harder, it doesn't mean you are failing, it just means you feel safe enough to keep healing.

Then one of the most ironic parts of the healing process is that when we start to get better, we begin to feel sad. From the things we missed out on. From the people who let us down. From what our younger selves truly deserved. Healing involves grieving, there's no way around it. You don't always suffer in life because you are bad. Sometimes its because you just didn't know when to stop being so good to everyone. Sometimes tears are the only way you express pain. But I realized that's the beauty of healing. Being in that vulnerable space, when your emotions take form and then release. You will then see that your pain is not your enemy, but your guide showing you where to set boundaries.

After 5 years, 10, years, 15 years...many people will say, "You handled it so well."

No, actually I didn't, quite the contrary....I lost my spark. Had panic attacks. Cried everyday. Isolated myself. Had trust issues. PTSD. Nightmares and flashbacks. Depression and anxiety. Until enough was enough. I went to therapy. Felt what generations weren't able to. Did the work. Reconnected to myself. Got my spark back and came out on the other side.

Then...there will be the person who comes after the mess. After the heartbreak. After the betrayal. After the trauma. After the version of you that gave everything to someone who didn't know what to do with it. Thank them.

Thank them for being patient to the heart that flinched at kindness. Why you apologize too much. Why you brace for disappointment even when they have given you none. They didn't cause this damage but they walk carefully through it anyways. Like every broken piece of you matters to them. They hold space for the person who wasn't held. They reassure the version of you that still wakes up waiting to be left. They learn the shape of your silence, they listen between the lines. They hold you in a way that doesn't make you feel like you owe them something. They never rush the healing. Never told you to get over it. Never asked you to shrink to make room for their ego. They let you take up space even when it was crowded with fear. They did what they didn't and they will do it without trying to fix you. They will just stay, steady, safe and soft. They will know its not always easy to love someone who's relearning what love even is, but they will do it with so much grace. You will almost forget what the pain felt like before them. You will find someone who will do all the things they didn't have to do but chose to. They will love the version of you who didn't think this kind of love was possible anymore. They will give you a reason to keep believing, not just in life but in yourself again.